Writing under the Wolf Moon
Published January 31st, 2010January 31, you have arrived yet again. Feels earlier every year. One of my goals this year was to write more. Sadly, I forgot that I have so, so little to say. So little to write about. But I wanted to get one post a month up here, so here is this one. And it’s not going to be a good one, it’s a cheat to write about how little I have to write about.
I kicked 2009 out the door and gave 2010 a sharp look in the eye and fair shake. So far, 2010 has settled in right where 2009 entrenched itself, firmly wedged up in my face. But 2009 did leave, and there’s signs of a looseness in that impacted socket. Work has moved from uncertain to stressful, annoying but making progress. I’ve managed to get a good, if rushed and incomplete, product out the door - well, figuratively speaking. But I’ve built the beginnings of the system they want, and it does the things it’s supposed to do. And given the time frame on it, that’s a bit of a miracle. My review comes up in 3 short weeks and I’m hoping for some good news, a new title especially. It’s time. I deserve something. I hope they agree.
Everything else? Pretty much the same. I am still on the slog of life that started about 7 months ago now. Still clawing my way out. Still recovering. I don’t think anyone could understand what 2009 did to me…I sure didn’t until only recently. How heavy the weight was of certain relationships. How much it was affecting me. But that’s ok, it’s my fault for not taking better care of myself. I simply wish things hadn’t gone the way they did. Getting over it has been difficult.
I’ve wanted to write something…maybe just for me…I have a *small* idea I’m trying to do something with, but it’s so loose and tenuous that I don’t know…it’s hard to even admit it. I’m afraid it will fly away. Afraid it will turn to dust if I even acknowledge it, like the simple moniker of “idea” will destroy it. I’ve thought about it some…sort of started on it a bit. It’s not right yet though. I hae thought about changing some decisions about it already. But I think it’s something I have to do, I think it’s something I’ll need to force myself to do. Even if it’s crap, even if it’s the worst thing ever committed to digital permanency, I have to do it, because I have to do something.
For far too long in my life I’ve relied on doing nothing when I feared failure and I really, really, really need to get over that. Stop being so safe. Even thinking and admitting that is hard though, because it only makes me regret many of my non-decisions in life even more. Playing it safe is fine, sometimes, but not all the time. I need to drill out the coward part of my brain and fill the void with that thought. And learn better, when in the crucial moment, to take the risk. To be active instead of passive. To avoid regrets of inaction. Because that only guarantees failure. I need to welcome failure on my terms so I can at least say I tried. I don’t think it hurts any less in some cases, but I believe - I have to believe - that it will work out better for me in the long run.
So that’s January. Not exactly a wasted month but still strikingly like the last few. Too much like the last few. With February comes the last of the crummy lonely holidays, or at least crummy when I’m lonely already. Just gotta get through that, get through my review and see what happens next for me. Maybe things will be better come March. And I hope that my February post(s) will not be as crummy as this January post.
Back to reality. Not that I ever left….
No comments yet.